Tuesday, September 6, 2011

The day started slowly for Robert Whittlesey. Most days started slowly for Robert Whittlesey. He was a slow guy. Not unintelligent by any standards, but slow nonetheless. His mother always used to say he did things deliberately. He always thought how wonderful that was. That he could take all the time in the world and he could simply use the excuse that he did things deliberately.
Forty-seven minutes had passed since Robert had woken up. He was deliberately finishing his breakfast of a bowl of cereal. He put his bowl in the sink, quite deliberately. After his breakfast, Robert got dressed and ready for work, deliberately enough to take another thirty-nine minutes. But eighty-six minutes was relatively fast for Robert Whittlesey. It meant that he would get to work with round-abouts ten minutes to spare, provided he wasn't too deliberate about his walk to the bus stop.
Robert Whittlesey was an extremely deliberate walker. So much so that referring to his mode of bipedal transportation as "walking" was quite incorrect. Where one would walk, Robert might slowly stroll or perhaps even waddle. His manner of "walking" wasn't completely his fault. Robert Whittlesey had put on some weight after years of living deliberately. He was by no means obese, but slightly more heavy-set than your average middle aged man. Robert had put on his weight from years of sitting at a desk, designing and testing assorted pieces of ingeniously designed creations
Robert Whittlesey was an engineer. His life consisted of the soft hum and bright glow of a computer screen in a dimly lit cubicle. The hours he spent in the small, soft paneled room contributed to his deliberate lifestyle. His job required it. When Robert made a mistake, peoples life were at risk. Which made Robert smile, he was sort of like a god in the situation. But nevertheless, Robert always worked hard, diligently, and of course deliberately.

6 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. You followed the guidelines (the day started with... etc).
    Your character is really boring... maybe that's just how you set it up for the first story. However, he's really kind of intriguing because it seems like he has a story to tell.
    You never described a sound, but your story was really easy to follow. It was also very repetitive, which I liked.
    My favorite lines are "His life consisted of the soft hum and bright glow of a computer screen in a dimly lit cubicle. The hours he spent in the small, soft paneled room contributed to his deliberate lifestyle. His job required it. When Robert made a mistake, peoples life were at risk. Which made Robert smile, he was sort of like a god in the situation. But nevertheless, Robert always worked hard, diligently, and of course deliberately." I just loved that part because it shows himself thinking positively.
    Robert seems like a lonely person, but him being lonely doesn't seem intentional. Or maybe it is intentional because he's tired and stressed. He tries to like his life, but he just takes what he gets.

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  3. I love the repetition of the word deliberate. That's so clever. I'm a little confused as to why he is an engineer in a cubicle, but I assume it has to do with how slow he is. He seems like an average guy. I'd like to see him take a risk or have a weird interest like strip clubs or swimming in the lake or have friends in the office. The writing is strong and anyone would have a good understanding of what your character is about.
    Favorite line: Robert Whittlesey was an extremely deliberate walker. So much so that referring to his mode of bipedal transportation as "walking" was quite incorrect.

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  4. I like the overall tempo of the piece. It mirrors that of the life Robert Whittlesey seems to live. I don't think you're using the word "deliberate" correctly, though... At least, you're not using it as most people in the modern day would use it. To live deliberately is to live with purpose. He doesn't seem to be living with purpose here; he's living slowly, like he doesn't have a purpose and he has come to terms with that. Other than the use of that word, it is easy to follow.

    My favorite line is probably "Which made Robert smile, he was sort of like a god in the situation" because smiling seems really uncharacteristic for Robert and for him to be smiling allows the reader a glimpse into his life. Feeling like a God makes him smile: that's a huge personality revelation.

    I'd really like to see Robert interact with someone, anyone, really. I want to see him in conversation with someone because, based off this, he seems to live in solitude and pitting him against someone else with help to revel and develop the character.

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  5. Overall, your entry flowed in a really great manner. I like how you included both short and long sentences. But, I did not understand the over use of the word "deliberately." I mean, I get that you wanted to make a point by using the word over and over, but it was too much. Next time, just use the word a couple of times, because the reader will get what you are trying to hint at.

    I really liked the way that you made a statement and then added background information to what you were saying. For example, "He was by no means obese, but slightly more heavy-set than your average middle aged man. Robert had put on his weight from years of sitting at a desk, designing and testing assorted pieces of ingeniously designed creations." By including the information about the reasons why he was slightly over weight gave the reader insight into who Robert is as as person.

    Next time, include even more details about Robert's life, because they were the best part of the entry. I think over all you did a good job and I can't wait to see what happens next!

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  6. Your character is interesting, I like how he makes excuses for his laziness by calling it "deliberate". Robert doesn't seem like the type of guy I would ever want to befriend or even know, but that's the beauty of his character. I'm not really sure where you could go with this, maybe introduce another character who, for some reason, takes a special interest in him. Someone who would annoy him, but who he would come to love eventually. Or hate, what ever floats your boat.

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